Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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