new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
