I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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