oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
