i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize