so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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