I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
