bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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