Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
