we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
