I have demons in me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
