I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize