dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
