I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
