If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
