listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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