I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
