he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize