it was like eating out sand paper
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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