I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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