I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
