I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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