you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
