you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize