I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
