you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
