Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
