I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
