i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize