Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
