Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
