i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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