i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
