shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
