She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
