Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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