We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
