I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Randomize
