Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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