My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
