I met the friendliest cop last night
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
