my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
