she was so not down for the gang bang
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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