the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
