she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize