You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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