Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
