Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
