I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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