Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
