The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
