I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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