We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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