if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
