I puked a lego.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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