my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
