some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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