dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
