I wish my penis had an off switch
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
