Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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